Added secret page & other news

Hello Anyone

No one has been able to find my ‘missing’ page in my Dear… story so now I have published it as post too, then you just have to read it. Of other news I am trying to get Dear… on Goodreads and iBooks both which was harder than expected plus the Apple Books made me take a few deep breaths as it is the first time I am publishing something. Will try to get both done by this weekend.

See you soon, thanks for following and have a nice day.

Day 367

2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97, 101, 103, 107, 109, 113, 127, 131, 137, 139, 149, 151, 157, 163, 167, 173, 179, 181, 191, 193, 197, 199, 211, 223, 227, 229, 233, 239, 241, 251, 257, 263, 269, 271, 277, 281, 283, 293, 307, 311, 313, 317, 331, 337, 347, 349, 353, 359

Iron Gates

My eyelids are heavy as iron gates trying to hold evil out but my eyelids are not blocked things out but keeping me from seeing the world as it is.

I know I am not seeing the same world as you as if you did you would try to change it like I want to, but cannot because my voice is small.

I tried whispering, talking, calling, yelling but no one heard me so now I am afraid that if I close my eyelids I will forget the world and become one of the workers.

I want to tell you what I see, but you would not understand and I do not have enough time to explain everything.

My eyes are closing now maybe for the last time as I know there is people trying to stop me and pull a gun against my head to either blow my brain out or brainwash me into believing that the world is a great place.

I am heading for the bridge as I do not want them to get a chance to change my view of the world so while I am just a human in a big world that only i understand completely then I rather died at my own hand than others even it means my pain will try to stop me.

They say I am the weird one while they are the normal ones just because I see the notes that leaves the belly of a bird and the rain drops making a flower red.

I can feel my eyelids fighting to stay up for the last series of seconds but I will hit the water and closed my eyes for the last time and let the iron gates close for never.

Written by Jesper Christiansen, 2 May 2021

Finished my first book

Hello Anyone

Today I want to present my first book… It is named dear and I worked on it for about a month so please enjoy it. It is the story of Liv, who is getting married in a year with the man of her dreams so she decides to write a diary but the year is going nowhere as planned. Thanks to those who have helped me. You can find it here

See you soon, thanks for following and have a nice day.

Day 359

Dear diary

Now the year has almost gone since I started this diary and I never expected the year to be that crazy like it has been. I did not expect the aliens, the shooting stars or that I am soon going to be a mother. The only thing I expected was the wedding and since I have not heard from Niklas since day 337 I guess that is off unless some magic happens. My mom is gone too, so I wonder why I am the only one from my town who are still alive. The soldier are all looking at me and my belly guess they dream about women like me as I am one of the few here in the camp. The many of the others has already been sent away on trucks. I have gotten permission to stay because I am waiting on Niklas as many of the other civilians are already together with their husbands. I do not know when I will go but I know that on my wedding day I am going to sneak out of the camp and hide this diary so people in the area can find it and maybe learn about what happened in the first days. My hand is having a hard time writing now as I just watched a shooting star and I am worried that the aliens are on their way now like they was the other times if they have anything to do with them. There was another already and can hear the soldiers getting ready for something as they are making lots of noise compared to some of the other evenings. I hope they can protect me even I was stupid enough to stay here as I know deep inside my heart that Niklas is not returning and I will be a mother all by myself. I hope it will be a fresh boy so I can name him after his wonderful father. I will of course add junior like others so people know he had a father but on the other hand I am not sure how I can take care of him now in this mad world. I know it is not the end yet but thanks diary for helping me though the pains and sorrows that the aliens has brought me. I better get some sleep now.

Good night diary.

Day 353

Dear diary

Today marks a day with sorrow and yeah I know many people has died trying to defend the world and I have no idea of what happened to Niklas but the commander just came down to my tent to tell me in person that my old home town has been destroyed in a laser strike from the aliens so if my mother was anywhere near it, she is dead and gone now. Tears is running down my cheeks as I did not expect all of this to happen and she was so close to make it out alive with me. The commander also told me that even if she has returned to the bunker then there would be no chance of her surviving the attack. Why are you not firing the stupid laser’s on this camp so I can see all my lost ones in heavens. I am so tired of all the death and killing around me, when are people going to join force just like they do in that alien movie from the 90’s were the aliens also has laser’s. I guess we are just a weak little planet who has no wishes of live together and coexist, maybe that is why they attacked us as we seemed like a walk over for them. But at least we are still here 200 days later. Sorry I am just so lost after I heard that my home and all the people I knew is all gone, I feel like am all alone in this world and I even that Niklas is out there I still rather wait on him in heavens. I am sorry for sounding cold but how would you feel if you lost your mother without having a chance to say goodbye to her. This diary was supposed to be a happy one and now it is almost broke by all the damage. Guess I am only thinking about me and me alone at the moment as things are falling down are around me… me, ME, Meeeee, always me, only me, why me, give me, take me. Sorry I have to stop writing for today now before I become crazy

Good night diary.

Day 349

Dear diary

I guess I have to stay here even I want to find Niklas again and my mother Viola too even she has been gone longer than Niklas. I know it has been a while since I written my mother with name but I feel that I am slowly forgetting her even that I do not want to. She is in my heart together with my father and all I have to remember them by is what I have written inside this dairy and the rock my father gave me. If I died against the aliens I hope I will meet them in the heavens even my faint is broken by all the destruction by the aliens. I do not know why we cannot search for them as the army I am with now is far bigger than the small groups I was with doing the time before Niklas and the time with Niklas too. I know we was a lot of civilians in the end but still Niklas and his men did more than this army. They are waiting for an army which are getting created further north as the aliens do not like the weather up there, I have been asked if I wanted to go there but at the moment I want to search for Niklas and Viola if I get the chance. They want to send me away because I am pregnant and they worry I will use too much energy waiting plus the north has more places for someone like me. Good thing they are not forcing me to go and respect my feelings. I give got a gun to use against the aliens as they have heard by other survivors that I am a good shooter… I asked them for a rifle but for now I am only allowed to carry a normal gun, they talk about low numbers of ammo and guess they are worried that if they give me too many things I might go search for Niklas and Viola on my own. I am pregnant but want to help in anyway I can. Niklas jr. tells me it is bed time now as he stopped kicking now.

Good night diary.

Day 347

Dear diary

I do not know how to start the diary today as the last thing I remember was writing this diary and in the next I wake up in a military hospital and now I am all alone again as they say I am the only one who survived the aliens attacking. ´They have no idea of where Niklas and the others are and because I am pregnant none of the leaders of this camp will allow me to go back there even after telling them that I am a good shooter so they only need to give a gun and maybe a soldier or two. I always miss Niklas and I understand why as they tell me that it has been 10 days since they found me laying on the ground with a weak heart rate and when they found out I was pregnant they decide to try save me even they did not have unlimited equipment for that like a normal hospital but they have heard about an army being gathered in the north so they expect to win the war soon and have the needed equipment soon again. I still want to go but for now it is impossible because I am chained to the bed and only got permission to write my diary as they understood the it meant the world to me after reading some of the pages. I knew that soldiers was human when I meet Niklas but after the episode with the soldier who watched me as a woman for him to play with I missed the feeling a bit. I also miss my mother but I have not seen her in ages now so I fear the worst so now I just want to escape this place and return to the place where we was attack to find out if Niklas is dead or not. If I do not find out I guess I have nothing except for Niklas jr. to live for. Yes I know the sex of my child now and he is healthy. Please please let me find his father so we can be family in the future if those annoying aliens allows me. It is time Ito rest as I am about to get taken my diary away once more.

Good night diary.

Day 337

Dear diary

I supposed to be asleep now and Niklas, his men and midwife Rosetta all think I do but how am I going to sleep in this noise. They are yelling at each other but mostly at Niklas as they question his motives behind his actions. If you wonder what action they talk about then I can say it with one word “me”. They are blaming him for me being the reason that we are stuck here far away from anything with almost no food and no army in sight. I want to stand up and defend myself but my belly and low energy is not helping me so I have try to sleep instead. Tears are running down my cheeks as I am writing this as I do not want to be the reason for all the bad things happening. Blame the aliens instead as if we start blaming ourself the aliens will win easily as only a united humankind can beat them and force them away from our world. I am sorry that I m pregnant and I am sorry that you have to live with me like this while the world is breaking down around us but I want to be the good wife and just walk away. I just have to wait for them to sleep even I am not sure how I will get past our guard for the night. I am sorry that Niklas has to go though all this pain and I have been so focused on myself that I forgot about his feelings and what is worse I forgot about my mom who I still have not seen since the attack on the bunker. I wonder what happened to her, I wonder if she is still alive somewhere thinking about me and her grandchild. I hope she is still alive in some camp. Enough writing about what is happening and let me clear my eyes for all the tears and focus on the stars for a moment. Please

Day 331

Dear diary

We have now started our journey to the north even that we have no idea off where to go other than go north. The food is already low so hope we find the place soon and because of the low amount of food I will not write unless major things happens. I do this to help my baby and I to be able to survive the longest. Rosetta says, it is a good idea and since she is supposed to know things like that then I have to believe her. I have already been dreaming about the day Niklas and I was meeting each other for the first time. It was a cold spring day where the trees have started to spring out but most trees was still just brown. I was out running in a forest area when I fell and twisted my foot. I tried to walk but the pain was too much so I wanted to call for help but had forgotten my phone at home so I was all alone on the path. I started to wonder how long before someone would miss me, but because I was alone at my apartment no one would miss me except if they tried to call me. Rain started to fall so I tried to stand on my foot again and this time I was able to keep standing even the pain was really strong. I walked slowly and was so focused on the pain that I did not notice that Niklas was walking against me and he was having eyes form something else so suddenly we bumped into each other and I landed on my bad foot, making me scream loudly of pain. Tears started to run fast down my cheeks even I tried to focus on something else than the pain. Niklas knew I was hurt so he just tried to help me up again. He was so kind to take me to the hospital so I guess we fell for each other as we already went on our first date after my hospital visit. I am glad I am able to dream such good dreams in these hard times.

Good night diary

Day 317

Dear diary

We have now started our journey to the north even that we have no idea off where to go other than go north. The food is already low so hope we find the place soon and because of the low amount of food I will not write unless major things happens. I do this to help my baby and I to be able to survive the longest. Rosetta says, it is a good idea and since she is supposed to know things like that then I have to believe her. I have already been dreaming about the day Niklas and I was meeting each other for the first time. It was a cold spring day where the trees have started to spring out but most trees was still just brown. I was out running in a forest area when I fell and twisted my foot. I tried to walk but the pain was too much so I wanted to call for help but had forgotten my phone at home so I was all alone on the path. I started to wonder how long before someone would miss me, but because I was alone at my apartment no one would miss me except if they tried to call me. Rain started to fall so I tried to stand on my foot again and this time I was able to keep standing even the pain was really strong. I walked slowly and was so focused on the pain that I did not notice that Niklas was walking against me and he was having eyes form something else so suddenly we bumped into each other and I landed on my bad foot, making me scream loudly of pain. Tears started to run fast down my cheeks even I tried to focus on something else than the pain. Niklas knew I was hurt so he just tried to help me up again. He was so kind to take me to the hospital so I guess we fell for each other as we already went on our first date after my hospital visit. I am glad I am able to dream such good dreams in these hard times.

Good night diary

Day 313

Dear diary

Sorry for my choice of words but my mind has been fucked up since we lost a soldier because a small group of the aliens appears and they managed to kill one of the soldiers. Niklas has been blaming himself and his sleep has been full of nightmares and I have not been able to sleep much because of it but there are still good news today or rather mixed news. The soldier who tried to rape me and Niklas sent away, has suddenly appeared as he had learned about the airport and tried to find it. So he found us that way. I know Niklas would have sent him away if it had not been because he was driving a truck with room for all of us so we can finally go north and join the army there. We need a few days to prepare or rather nights as Niklas do not want us to be out in the open doing the day because of the attack. I am still having mixed feelings about him rejoining our group but now there is Rosetta and I know she is not obliged to do anything with the man but maybe they can do something to let off his steam or what ever it is call. He came right over to me to explain how sorry he still was about the event and I took the excuse but still having second thoughts if this was a good idea or not. I even thought so far that I would shot the man to get the truck but after seeing what a death soldier does to Niklas I will not try it. I have decide that even if Rosetta says it is a bad idea I still want help pack the truck so we can get to safety faster. Maybe aliens reappears and only time will tell if we made a good choice or not about the soldier.

Good night diary

Day 311

Dear diary

Time is working against us as today we noticed some of the food has started to rot and rats has been going thought some of the fresh so we are no longer having as much food as we expect even that Niklas says we can eat the rats. I hope he is joking as there is no chance I will eat that kind of animal. On the other hand we have found some more gasoline for the transport so I am sure we have enough once we find something to drive. Of other news the radio broad casted the same news as the other day just this time it was a female speaker instead of a male the first time. I hope that the guy who was speaking the first time is still alive as such a change really makes your mind go crazy about what could have happen. Rosetta told me a story about her childhood to keep my mind away from the problems. She talked about she once travelled to USA and visited the statue of liberty. I have never been there but I always loved the green colour the statue has got over the years. I wonder if it still stands or the aliens has destroyed it all ready. Anyway back to the story. She told me that the day she visited it, there had been people in millions because it was the first day the view point had been opened since the terror attack 11. September 2001. She managed to get up there anyway so she was able to watch New York from a distance like immigrates back in the day when they reached the town in an attempt to become Americans. I am glad to hear stories form… Niklas and his men is back with one, is being carried, he has lost so much blood…

Good night diary

Day 307

Dear diary

Today was both a happy day and sad day because the bad news demands we find something to transport me in or we will not get far north. Ups forgot to say what happened in the north since we need something to transport me which is the good news. The radio suddenly started board casting and it told that an army of the remaining nations is being created in the north as the aliens do not like the snow and cold weather up there so if anyone alive they can join up in the army and help taking back the country and the world afterwards. They also promised hep to those injured or otherwise not able to join the army. Niklas said we had to go there and quickly send out his men to find some transport before leaving me with Rosetta. This was the first time I have been alone with a woman since the time at the bunker so it was a bit weird too me as I use to just give commands to Niklas and his men like I was their boss. She told me she used to have a boyfriend too but he died doing the attack at our capital and in attempt to escape the mess, she had been walking all the way here as she knew about the airport and wanted to fly away as she had been taking fly lessons for fun. I told her to leave me, to check if there was any plane not destroyed left but she told me that she had already checked back when she arrived and back then the airport was already destroyed. The reason we had not found her there was because she had been searching for survivors or a bunker to stay inside instead of the open area. I have never heard of a so cool woman before. I am such a weakling compared to her and been so lucky to get help the times I needed. Anyway Niklas and his men are back home now without anything to drive but they have found some gas so they have something for the transport later on. It is late now so will try to rest as Niklas told he would do the first shift.

Good night diary

Day 293

Dear diary

I do not know what to write today as I am have just been lazy all day because the midwife Rosetta found it a bad idea to do anything wild when I had the baby inside. Niklas cares so much about our future baby that he demanded that I just stayed in this bed thing and eat the food that he brings me. Funny how a new woman can change so many things in in so short time. I feel that I love Niklas so I guess I have no reason to write this but Rosetta is older than both me and Niklas so no worries about him suddenly cheats on me with her but maybe one of his army guys wants her or maybe the guy who tried to rape me, wants her. I wonder what happened to him as he left the camp as told and we have not seen any dead body that looks like him even we have seen tanks, jeeps and soldiers death or destroyed anywhere. I have seen kids too but I try not to focus on them and just focus on my own life and the future as I cannot change what happens doing the alien war anyway as I am no soldier plus I am almost 28 weeks pregnant if I have not miss counted. So I am just trying to be a woman in this mess. The shooting stars on the sky cannot decide if they want to come a lot or want to stay away and those who come has been coming lately has been silence so all good except for the red lasers in the sky. I wonder if they are laser weapons like those in Star Wars or not. I would ask Niklas but I am not sure I would get an answer from him. Anyway Niklas is here now so I wanna rest with him.

Good night diary

Day 283

Dear diary

Niklas found a room full of canned food so now he is sending out his men to look for survivors as he still wants to complete the mission that army has put out for him and his men. Because of the ammo we found I have gotten permission to try fire a few rounds. It is a bit hard while carrying a baby too but I manage to hit the target anyway. Not inside the centre like I would normally but still close enough to hopefully kill the alien. I wanted to shoot more times but one of the soldiers returned with a woman named Rosetta, who happened to be a midwife, who told me that I needed rest instead of shooting guns. She said that the noise from the gun would maybe make the baby be born deaf. I have never heard about such nonsense before but before I could do anything against it was Niklas taken away my gun and told me go rest like the woman said. I did as she told and she came up to me and felt with her fingers on her belly to figure out if it everything was good inside. Rosetta said she would not be able to tell for sure without the right equipment but what she could feel, felt right. I was so happy that I almost forgot I was angry at her for getting my gun taken away. Niklas and I decide talk about names afterwards and he thought it could be nice the name him after my father Brain if it was a boy. I was happy he wanted to honour my father if it was a boy. Do you have a good name if a girl too I asked and he smiled, what about Juno and I was smiling all over my face as I had always dreamt of a child named Juno, but have not told Niklas yet. Anyway it is time to watch stars one more night while being on guard post together with Niklas.

Good night diary

Day 281

Dear diary

Today was another day of good and bad news and since I am the write and so far the only reader of this novel I have decide to just mix of the news and tell then in one story. We have found the airport where the planes arrived from but the place has already been destroyed by the aliens, which of course is sad and bad for humans but we found a lot of food to eat and other good things such as ammo for the guns and rifles we are using to defend ourself with. Guess the aliens did not destroy it as they did not know what we used it for. My legs hurts like crazy now and I am glad to finally rest again after all our walking the past days. I am sure my baby is thinking that too. Niklas is trying to figure out if this was the airport the places was from or if it is an other one. The high command is not answering his calls so I guess he is also worried if things are bad with the army. I am a little worried myself but as long as I am with Niklas I do not care much about the events around us no matter if it is sad, more destruction or what ever those aliens can find out. It been a long time since I had the chance to focus on the star without fall asleep right away so I guess I will do that after writing this diary. The baby is for sure alive and kicking so maybe I will try to get Niklas to join us so we can be a family again before bed time.

Good night diary

Day 277

Dear diary

It has been a quiet week since the civilians left the area. Niklas has been sending out his men trying to get the back but it has been hard to track them plus those they found was still not ready to return so now we are just trying to live our own lives even that high command told Niklas to find so many civilians as possible. I am confused about why Niklas and the men did not follow them. I even asked Niklas about and he said there is nothing safe around her so as long the food is in from of fish and others things then he would not leave. I guess that people can have their mind set in one thing until some event changes it and today we watched 2 planes fly over our heads. Niklas quickly decide he want us to follow them even we had no idea of where they came from or where they was going. I do not mind about this but we have to think of my pregnancy so I cannot march or what type of walking the soldiers normal do. Maybe if we are lucky they are guiding us to the army we are waiting for or something even better. Niklas says they have to be close to an airport or aircraft carrier even that our minds do not remember any airports nearby or water big enough for the carrier. We have been walking 30kilometres the way they was flying and both my feet and belly hurts so badly. I wish we could find a car to drive. I forgot to say it was a protector plane or rather two so they would not be alone according to what Niklas know about the planes with such short notices. I want to sleep now so I can walk even more tomorrow.

Good night diary

Day 271

Dear diary

Now we are only 4 people in the camp. Do not worry, we have not been attack by aliens or other ways of getting killed by the guy, I think his name was Matt, who was the temporary leader while we checked out the outpost, has been talking and asking the civilians around us if they believe in Niklas and his 3 remaining soldiers can defend them against the aliens once more if they come back. Surprisingly none of the civilians except me feels safe even I was the one who almost get raped and the only person who is pregnant as most of the others is guys. Niklas tried to calm down the people but it did not work so instead he tried to use force which was a bad idea as it just ended up making the other people feel like they was force to stay even that Niklas just tried to explain them that things was not safe outside the camp. In the end I had to step in to stop him and Matt from fighting each other which made Niklas ask me if I wanted to stay with him or go with the civilians. My heart dropped as I felt that it was the most stupid question he could ask in the whole wide world as I love him so much that I will stay until the end and beside how would the civilians defend themselves without guns or anything else with power. Matt said that he would rather take the chance to find the army we was waiting for instead of staying in the area after the aliens attack. So far we had no reason to believe that the aliens would attack again after they was fought back the first time and beside the camp was still a mess now so why would they even think humans would live there and lastly why would they come outside the town once more. Matt was not giving up his plan off leaving so they left without us and now I am back to sleep under some blanket we use as tent and all is more quiet without the 15 or so civilians also trying to sleep.

Good night diary

Day 269

Dear diary

Guess one accident never comes alone even it has been a few days since Niklas forces out one of his soldiers out of the camp because he tried to rape me. I am still glad Niklas managed to spare his life and who knows maybe he comes back. Anyway the reason I said that one accident never happens alone is because today the aliens found us and destroyed most of the camp so even it is raining I am sleeping outside tonight. They destroyed our camp pretty badly but for some reason only a few of us was hurt doing the fight so not sure what they really wanted to do as if I was an enemy force, trying to conquer a world I would not stop after destroying the camp. Anyway I am happy they did and tomorrow we will start to rebuild the things as Niklas finds the place too good to leave behind. I am not sure I should write this but I overheard Niklas do a count of ammo and it does not sound good so I hope some army soon arrives and save us unless we have to go somewhere to find it. The only problem about that is that we are round 2 days from the mall and as you know the mall is not safe for us as it is inside the town. I guess I just have to start praying for the good things to start happening even that I am super happy Niklas and I is together. The attack made me believe in god once more. I am normally not praying every evening but starting today I am and will not stop before the war is over or I am dead. I hope the night will be peaceful as the rain really makes my eyes heavy even that my belly is being kicked from the inside.

Good night diary